community

i received two messages today.

the first one--a very exciting message that a friend's brother is returning to his wife and children here in the states after being deported wrongfully years ago.

the second one--a very sad message that a friend's friend and mentor is in the last days of her life after a courageous battle with cancer.

what is the same about these two messages? not a lot, though i would like to be able to reach out to both of them and squeeze them and sit with them in the waiting. so much of life is in the waiting. waiting for? something.

the big things? the big things come and go. it's the moments in between where so much of life happens--and when we need each other the most.

i'd bet someone you know needs a squeeze or a little hand-holding. we don't do life alone, but in community. and we can find our community anywhere, sometimes when we least expect it.

when my parents were hit head-on in a car crash in 2006, i found myself in a very strange community. a community of strangers in a ICU waiting room. ron was a man i first noticed one early morning--day two of my dad's ordeal. he was yelling at another man at about 3:00 in the morning. i was dozing on two chairs that i had smushed together. he pretended to call someone on his cell. he was a terrible actor. but he was scared and alone. later that morning he sort of tried to apologize to me--for the ruckus. no apology necessary. we were all in situations that we wished we weren't in. we all had lost control, control we all believe we have when life is flowing smoothly. ron's wife was in ICU with my dad for complications after a hysterectomy. he had four daughters. but, most days and every night he was alone. i asked him to sit with us. another group had lots of drama--fighting, yelling, screaming--pretty much daily and sometimes, nightly. it was a big family. they had decisions to make. they all thought they should be the decision maker. then one day, there was lots of commotion. a decision was made. by their person. the dad, husband, step-dad, grandpa, brother, uncle they had all been waiting for was dying. judy ran around the waiting room trying to get any cell reception. i gave her my phone and then physically caught her when she collapsed after telling her son that her father-in-law was dying....right now. the father-in-law she had told me days before, was more of a dad to her than her own father. later that night she found me in my dad's room--poking her head in she asked to talk to me. she hugged me for a really long time. you never know when you might be someone else's community. you never know that the little things you do may be what helps carry someone while they wait. you don't have to have the perfect words--or any words at all. sometimes, you just have to show-up for someone. however you can.


best
deborah

good time

i swear big red really does know how to show a girl a good time. i swear.

big red drove me around our neck of the woods so i could snap some shots of our autumn.

i know, so sweet.

he is smart, that big red.

he stayed near the road, ready to call for help when i realized underneath all this growth may be a basement or cellar--one i could have easily fell into. was it luck or faith that i stayed above ground?
if you look closely, you will see that this is a picture of a long-ago working silo and another building. these farm ruins--beautiful in their own way.

we drove dirt roads and i was sure to collect as many burrs onto my jeans as i could. success.

we ended our date at the cemetery.


shortly before sunset....so that the light cast long shadows.


you know, cemeteries used to be used more. i mean, we've buried our dead there, but then people would picnic there--hang out, spend the day. does anyone do that anymore? i wonder? why? would you? could you? i think it's kind of lovely. really. this connection to life and death is just but a moment. these old gravestones have me wondering about the people that are buried just feet below. i wondered about the stones that were badly damaged-broke and the words etched so long ago--now illegible.

have their loved ones all moved away? or has everyone that ever knew that person in life passed on, too? still, what a beautiful place to contemplate the big and small of life--the long shadows we all cast in the autumn of our lives. and to show a girl a good time.


best
deborah

i'm telling my truth

i'm coming clean.

i'm owning my truth--this is one part of it. it certainly isn't all of who i am.

i've got weight to lose.

about 20 pounds. i've already lost 27.

yep....these are the real numbers--not that the numbers mean everything. but, they must mean something. how i feel in my own skin means a lot. and my good health means a ton.

there was a time....not so long ago when the thought of telling someone what i weighed would have sent me straight to the bakery or the top drawer of my bedside table (where i would keep haribo gummis or dove milk chocolate promises).

i'm the only person that has ever done that, i'm sure?

but really, who am i kidding?
by not owning my weight--am i fooling anyone? really?
and, more importantly, am i fooling myself?

maybe by a couple of measly pounds.
some might have guessed me at 184 or maybe on a good day--180.
would anyone believe i was 110 pounds? a size 6?
and really does anyone care?

so why even share this information?

i'm wondering that. it's out there. i'm owning it....and by owning it, i can change it. plus, keeping this undercover just isn't how i roll.

when i started to become serious about changing my body, i first had to change my mind.

i had a heart to heart with my doctor. like so many women, i feared breast cancer and ovarian cancer. the truth? my doctor said nothing. she listened.

i said, "i should be worried about heart-disease, being overweight." she tilted her head and smiled. no lecture. no anything really, but in the weighted room of a doctor's office, i looked my numbers square and knew i had to move off the course i was on.

so i began at 193 pounds on october 30, 2009--just two days after the doctor's visit. weighed in at weight watchers, my sweet friend, pretty penny by my side.

today, am at 166. 27 pounds down but still a way to go. i'm 5'6".

i feel good. really good. and i'm pretty proud of this.

even with the plateau of summer 2010--where i did not lose any weight. wonder why?

i'll tell you why. because i thought a deserved a little more--in the way of larger portions.

to say i've struggled with weight would be a lie.

i invited it to lunch. and dinner. for years.

sure, i had a week here and another week there where i would cut back and speed up....but it didn't last.

i haven't tried all the diets. i did slim-fast in the early 1990's to fit into something saturday night. and there was the summer of the cabbage soup diet. that's about it.

so, there it is. in real numbers. i'm telling my truth and while were at it, i'm 43. don't look a day over 42 1/2--thanks to the hair-color;)

maybe you don't have weight to lose. maybe maybe you do. maybe it's something else. maybe saying it aloud will be the first step or the next step to help you reach your best you. just a thought.


best
deborah