class is in session

i sat in the van, that was parked safely in the garage and tried to teach b how to drive.

b likes to mess with me. a lot. like all the time. he's my button-pusher.


then, the next day, i put my camera away and took him to a neighborhood to drive. for reals. this is a neighborhood with few houses. even less cars and it seems like no people. of course, there were cars and people and mailboxes and not a straight road in the place.

i panicked a few times. yelled once or twice. i think i swore out loud. and i could feel my heart in my stomach, head and neck. pulsing. hard.

to make matters worse, some goof-ball was lighting fireworks off in his yard, just as we whizzed by at about 7 mph.

when we returned home i looked up *how to teach someone to drive* on google. this is what i read.

If possible, leave your teen's first on-the-road experiences to the care of a professional. Many a nasty accident has occurred because an inexperienced beginner was allowed to get into a situation that was too much to cope with. A miscalculation in speed, a sudden change in traffic conditions, or an awkward combination of circumstances could lead to disaster. The professionals are used to anticipating such problems-and they have the advantage of dual controls. Your task as co-driver is to back up the work of the professionals with well-planned and coordinated practice sessions.--fromdrivers.com.

i knew it.

i am a mom.
i am a pretty good cook.
i am a pretty good psychologist.
i am a pretty good nurse.
i am a pretty good barber.
i am a pretty good math teacher.
i am a pretty good referee.
i am a pretty good accountant.

i am a lousy driving instructor.

that's all. class dismissed.


love and light and I SAID BRAKE
deborah

p.s. this morning as we were dropping off my son's friend (after the official first day of driver's ed), someone did a bit of a lawn job while pulling out of the friend's driveway. it happens to the best of us right? yeah. i was driving. awesome.

send

i did it. i really did it. i did it this time.

i've need to call the place down the road that teaches driver's education.

i know i needed to. i've needed to for quite some time.

not for me. for this little guy.

alright, that's an old picture. but, in my mind he will always be a little like that.
even though he is much more like this.

i linked everything i could to the driving.
not a perfect grade = no driving school.
forget to put your bike away properly = no driving school.
leaving backpack in the middle of the hallway = no driving school.
not wearing his retainer = no driving school.

truly, no rhyme or reason.

but our son has been patient. i mean REALLY--break out the capital letters, PATIENT.

let me just say--i know it is not his issue.

it's mine. all mine.

and the issue isn't really driving.

it's control.

and i realize that my fear, anxiety and worry is that i cannot control what happens to my children, my growing young man in this world.

i am happiest and most at ease when i know that all my people are safe at home. unfortunately, my people aren't so accommodating to being tucked in at home all the time.

there was a time that i thought that i feared my child driving. i have no reason to think b isn't ready. i have no reason to think he will be a bad or careless driver. and then i realized, my dad was driving the day he was hit head-on and he is an excellent driver. he did what he could to avoid being hit and probably saved my mom in the process, but he was hit. he could not control the person in the other car.

we cannot control the actions of someone else.

let me say that again (mostly for myself)--we cannot control the actions of someone else.

but we can control some things. things like preparing ourselves and our children through education and example. we can give them an advantage, by offering skills and knowledge. by giving them boundaries, so at least they know when they've crossed them.

so last week, i called b over and asked him to look over the registration. i had signed him up.

after a few minutes, b says, "hit the *send* button, mom"

it's a big step for me. and for my son.

now, i might need to throw-up. but, i'm prepared.


love and light and big steps
deborah